Struggling with mum guilt? Here’s 8 ways to deal with it!

Posted on by Molly Clover

Mum guilt has been a hot topic over recent years, and still is today. With more work-life pressures, busier lives and the presence of social media it’s no wonder we feel like we aren’t doing enough. Whether you’re a mum of teeny babies, tweens or big kids, mum guilt can affect anyone.

To some extent, I think it’s a good thing! When you’re feeling a little bit of mum guilt you’re showing that you’re being conscious of your parenting. You care so much that you care about how you parent. And it might be a heads up that there’s something that needs to change.

Unfortunately it can get too much though. We’re piling the pressure on ourselves, looking at how other mums are mumming and as they say: comparison is the thief of joy.

Whilst it may not be possible to totally eliminate mum guilt, we don’t have to just cope with it. Let’s look at how we can deal with our it.

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What is mum guilt, really?

Mum guilt is feeling that you aren’t doing enough of something, aren’t doing it well enough, or should be spending your time doing something else.

The difference is the responsibility we have for our mini-humans. The pressure to get it right and that all these decisions we make in the day to day impact our little ones.

Mum guilt can manifest in so many different ways with a range of emotions.

You’re going to have to lean into these emotions, not stuff them down. It’s not fun but if we’re going to make some changes you need to allow yourself to feel.

Why is mum guilt so common?

You’ll find mums comparing themselves with others no matter what situation they’re in.

Working full-time, part-time, working-from-home or stay-at-home mums all have difficult decisions to make. Financial decisions might be the source of their guilt, or the time spent away from the children. If you’re working then you may feel guilty for putting your child in nursery, playschool or with another caregiver.

Social media is wonderful, until it’s not!

How many mums do you follow who you look to for mumspiration? I follow loads, except a lot of them are stay-at-home mamas. As a part-time working mum I feel the guilt creeping in when I see the lovely, fresh meals they create for their families, or how clean their houses look. Even the activities they do with their little ones makes me feel like I’m not doing enough.

I know they aren’t posting these to show off! They’re genuinely trying to give ideas and inspiration to others. But I have to stop myself all the time and remind myself that the comparison is so unhelpful for me or the time of life I’m in right now.

Motherhood is decision after decision after decision.

Even more sources of guilt can be: choice between breastfed or formula fed; baby-led weaning vs. puree/parent-led weaning; losing your temper and shouting; how much screen time you allow; feeling overstimulated; not enjoying motherhood all the time.

I could keep going, you get the point.

8 tips for dealing with mum guilt

Journaling helps on so many levels

I write in my journal, almost every day. I hear you. “Yeah, but you like writing.”

True. But I did this before I discovered that I enjoy writing. Journaling allowed me to say what I was thinking and not be judged for it. It helps me process why I have the emotions that I do and more importantly where they came from.

If anything it allows me to have a good old rant without bringing down anyone else’s vibe.

In the case of mum guilt, after writing about how I felt and reading it back, I realised that I was expecting sooooo much of myself. I wouldn’t think someone else was doing a bad job of parenting if they didn’t take their kids to the park today because they didn’t feel up to it. I wouldn’t judge anyone else for giving their kid spaghetti for the 3rd dinner in a row because they know they’re going to eat it and they needed a break from the food battles.

I tend to go to bed feeling a bit better after talking it out through journaling.

So, give it a go. It doesn’t have to be much, 5 minutes before you go to bed is plenty. I leave my journal on my bedside table. I don’t follow any strict rules. I just write what I feel like.

Get unfollowing or muting

As I mentioned before, I follow a LOT of motherhood-type bloggers, vloggers, general Instagram-fluencer types. For the most part, I’m consuming the content with not a bad vibe in my body.

On a day where I’m tired, the kids have colds, I have a mountain of washing piling up… I see the women with their clean houses and their clean kids doing cute activities and their recently polished floors that aren’t covered in toys. Even if I don’t consciously think ‘oh, I’m not doing enough‘, that little impression on my brain is there.

Enter, mum guilt.

I turned off notifications for Instagram. I haven’t unfollowed many accounts because most aren’t THAT bad. But I’ve certainly muted a few.

I don’t watch videos of minimalist homes on YouTube anymore.

Yes, I used to do that. There was something really satisfying about watching those ‘extreme decluttering’ videos.

These would leave me feeling guilty that I’ve spent all the time watching the video instead of actually decluttering.

Recently, I took this a step further… I stopped the scroll. 😧

I have to say, so far, I’ve been feeling a little better. Not seeing what other mums are doing is quite freeing. I know they’re still there with their kids in white t-shirts but it’s not in my face.

Talk to someone you trust

We should all have someone we can be totally honest with and not fear judgement. (Like here! No judgement here Mamas)

I’m so lucky that have a few friends who I can be totally honest with about motherhood and my kids. I’m not afraid to tell them the worries I have because I know it’s reciprocal. They remind me that they feel the same way sometimes and then say what they’re going through.

Things like “I’m actually really bored staying at home with the baby all day” and “I didn’t enjoy breastfeeding at all” aren’t true for everyone but are normal. Saying them aloud to your people can lift the dead weight of mum guilt straight away.

Don’t hold it in if you lost it a bit and raised your voice at your little one today. Talk to a partner, your parents or a close friend. Talking it through with another adult can really help alleviate the guilt and understand what happened.

Seek support to release some of the mum guilt

Sometimes just having an extra pair of hands can make a huge difference to your day. Feeling the mum guilt over not taking your kids to the park today? Bring a friend or grandparent along. As a mum of a 2 and a half year old and 4 month old, I talk myself out of leaving the house all. the. time.

Bringing another person will feel easier for you and you’ll get adult conversation. Heaven knows I miss that during the day sometimes!

Another way to seek support is hiring a cleaner. Can you/ your partner afford to bring in a cleaner for an hour or two? It’s not an admission of fault or laziness. If you hate cleaning or don’t have the time and can budget for it, why not?

Are your expectations realistic?

You wouldn’t expect your friend to do it all. In fact, when she comes over and mutters into her cuppa that she can’t keep on top of the house and work and cooking healthy meals all the time, what do you think? That’s right, you tell her she’s doing a great job and to cut herself some slack!

Pay that kindness back to yourself mama.

Give yourself grace and realise that probably the standards your holding yourself to aren’t helpful at all. It’s great to want to do your best and by all means strive to do better. But as we would say to our friend, sometimes you have to choose what your priorities are in this moment and let the other stuff go.

Don’t change everything, little bits at a time can have a big impact

You’ve decided that some of the mum guilt is justified. So, now what?

Well then, let’s make some little positive changes that over time will compound. In one of my favourite books, James Clear said:

Habits are the compound interest of self improvement.

A small habit – when repeated consistently – grows into something significant.

James Clear – Atomic Habits

Don’t quit screen time. Put boundaries in place so that it’s reduced. Try only allowing screen time between certain hours of the day or only after certain other tasks are completed. And give yourself some time to unwind too. I found when my little ones have too much screen time, it’s because I’m looking for ways to give myself some space.

Another example of a little change could be if you’re feeling guilty over the amount of convenience snacks you’re giving your kids. Instead of outright banning all of what they’re used to, try swapping the first snack of the day with a fruit you know they’ll eat.

Feeling shouty? Read about gentle parenting

If there’s one thing I didn’t want to be, it was a stressed out, frantic, shouty mum.

Hello demanding, fickle, emotional 2 year old. Goodbye, sanity.

There were days where I’d lose my cool by 9am and feel completely out of my depth trying to calm a frustrated and tearful toddler.

The guilt would consume me all day.

I came across gentle parenting when searching for ways to deal with a toddler who says no to everything. I read Sarah Ockwell-Smith’s book “How to be a calm parent“ and I can honestly say it helped.

I’m not saying I never raise my voice. We’re all about the work in progress. But I have found techniques to use with the ‘gentle parenting method’ and I can handle the situations much better now so it’s easier on my little one as well as me.

Stop doubting yourself

The decisions you make are made because they suit you. Your family and your situation are unique to you.

So you decided to do baby-led weaning the first time, hated it and have introduced your second baby to purees to start with. Or, perhaps, you’ve decided to go back to work when your baby is 6 months old because you could do with the extra money or you’re going gently insane being at home every day of the week. Maybe you’ve got a cleaner because it frees your time up to start your own business from home.

It might not be your ideal choices but don’t let the guilt consume you.

For example, I breastfed my first baby until she was 14 months old. I’m going to be introducing formula to my second baby when he’s 6 months old. Part of my decision is because I’m going back to work when he’s 8 months old. But also, I’m looking forward to being able to wear what I want, drink as much coffee as I want and let someone else feed him to lighten the load!

I felt so guilty about this decision at first. But I’ve come to realise that my happiness doesn’t have to stop just because I’m putting my kids first. They will always come first. And there’s more than one way of achieving that!

Don’t let mum guilt get in the way of the fun of motherhood

Ultimately if you’re feeling guilty because the dishes didn’t get done today, or you’re still in your pyjamas at 1PM, try to spin your thoughts to look for the good you did today. Because it is there.

As mentioned before, if the guilt is affecting your day to day life and you can’t seem to shift your mood, no matter what you do, try talking to someone. Postnatal depression can start any time throughout the first year after the birth of your baby. It is very real and not to be brushed aside as just ‘feeling a bit low’.

And finally:

You’re awesome Mama ♡ just keep being you. Your kids love you, you are enough and I believe in you.